Me.

Hey everyone. I know this is normally Lilly's blog, but today I needed to post something. I want you guys to know my journey. Because it is tougher than anyone could ever imagine, including myself.

Aren't we all expected to be someone? To be something? Why can no one be themselves anymore? It's weird how this society turned out.

We are all lucky to live in a society of free speech, where we are able to say what we want or be who we want to be. Now that I come to this realization, I realize that for the past year or two, I haven't been living. I haven't been embracing how amazing this life is, and all of our opportunities. Just take a moment and think about it. Are you living the life YOU want to live?

It all started summer 2009. I was playing around on youtube when I found an american girl doll video. I realized I hadn't touched my dolls in years. I went over to them, picked them up and fell in love all over again.


And it wasn't hard to do.


Novemeber 2009. A girl wanted popularity so bad. She knew my secret. It was the only way out of her anxiety. Her anxiety to be popular.


As I walked down the hallway in school one morning, I realized something had changed. The people who normally said hi to me wouldn't even look at me. I never expected it to be youtube.


January 2010. Having fun with my dolls. Doing what I wanted. Not realizing anyone knew.


I got a message via AIM messaging from a girl. It said exactly: "I know your secrets. I saw your videos. And I told EVERYONE."


I was devastated. I didn't talk for at least two days. I couldn't stay strong.


For anyone who wants to get to know me better, here's a shocker: I was recently diagnosed with depression. Oh, and anxiety.


I went on, because back then I hardly cared what people thought of me. I didn't close my account, I didn't stop making videos.


Do you want to know why?


Because I loved being here. I love the friends I had made. I had them when my other friends weren't there for me.


The bullying didn't stop. It kept going, and going, and going. I almost drowned. I visited the nurse several times. I've left school early.


All because of bullies.


All it takes is one word. ONE word to bring someones life downhill.


Summer 2010 went by. It was ok, but I really didn't have much fun. I used to play outiside for hours. But instead, I would stay in my room on the computer all day.


It's just not healthy.


School started again. I expected everyone would have forgotten about this. Now, at this point, I had two friends. TWO.


We stayed together, comforted eachother, and everything was ok.


The girls who had bullied me made a youtube account. They have the "show last time signed in" checked so I know when they sign in to watch my videos.


I checked their youtube in november.


Last sign in date:1 day ago.


It wasn't over.


Life went on, and then February 2011 hit. Things started to change. I found out things about my family that I could never imagine would even occur. They have effected me BRUTALLY and I still have no way around them. I still haven't learn to deal.


I did think about suacide. Everything was going wrong. My family, my community, my life. I didn't know of any other options.


I went to school dances. I had boyfriends. I lived the teenage life, no matter how much the bullies tried to stand in my way.


My birthday had come, and I had different thoughts about dolls. I didn't know if I really wanted anything to do with them at all.


There were times where depression kicked in. Where I would go days without talking.


I started loosing people. I began to loose my best friend, and I had NO idea why. That was where the anxiety formed.


Then we ended up in June. Family problems were worse than ever. I began to think I would never have a complete family again.


Then, Dianna Agron posted a beautiful post tumblr, about 15 paragraphs long.


That post changed my point of view forever.



One thing that is important to me, almost the most important thing in life, is acceptance. No matter who it is, or how you have to accept them, you need to do it. Wether black, white, gay, disabled, or bisexual. Everyone deserves to live. Acceptance opens doors to new opportunities to make this world a better place. Where you can play with dolls and not feel useless.


Every day, hundreds of people commit suacide due to bullying.



I know how it feels to be hurt, to be depressed, to not value yourself. I'm sure I'm not the only one.


People need loving the most when they deserve it the least. - John Harrigan


I am no longer weak or powerless. I am now courageous because of what I have gone through. And some of this is too private or gruesome to share over the internet.


I dont know about myself, and I am still not sure who I want to be. In fact, I'm not even sure who I am.

For now, I'll be Lexi. I'll be who I am right now.


And that's how I want it to be.